do you love me?
“do you hate me?” that’s the question that i want to ask a friend — i hope they don’t, because if they do, then i don’t know what a friend is. i don’t know what it means to remember each other’s favourite food, to listen to playlists together, to fall asleep to our dreams and fears, to make eye contact and just know. i don’t know if it has ever mattered, when it was the only thing that matters in these moments.
“do you hate me?” that’s the question that i want to ask the people i respect and trust, because i have doubts, so many doubts, that no theories or reasoning quells them. the thoughts run around and around in my head and i’m lost in its maze. what does it matter to turn left or right, to look up or down, when i have no certainty of the exit — of the answers.
“do you hate me?” that’s the question that i ask myself when i sit, stand, lie down, walk, breathe, because i cannot bear to hear the answer, whether or not it’s affirmative or negative. i don’t think it matters at this point, because i already know.
“do you hate me?” that’s the question that i ask God in my prayers, when i don’t know what else to say or who else to turn to. though i know the sinfulness of that question, the sheer stupidity of it, because hate is not God. hate is never God and it will never be. there is no room for hate in His love, no space that is not filled with love. nothing can contain the width, length, and depth of it. hate is the very opposite of God. and yet i ask that question.
God, do you hate me? because i do. i really hate myself. i hate myself for asking this question. i hate myself for considering quitting when i know its a coward’s way out and i promised before to not be a quitter. but i have quit so many things in life before, so what is one more? one final grand exit. anger and spite have once driven me before, but the fuel to that fire runs out. apathy and numbness have sustained me, but every day the weight of it digs me a deeper hole into this earth. now i only have fear and sadness, and it is the poison that sucks me dry, rots me to the very bones.
i cannot bear the load of love that i was given. i do not know how. people wait for me to tie my shoelaces. they stopped to see what i see on storefronts. they feed me just because they think i deserve it. they asked what i want to do as if my desire has the same value as theirs. they asked what my opinions, thoughts, and feelings are as if they want to listen and understand, as if i’m worth it. they want to know me as if they love me and they love me as if they know me and i do not know what to do with any of this. there is no debt to be paid, no exchange needed in return. how do i accept this?
“with open arms and open heart.”
because God, this is how you love me. by paying my debt and asking for nothing in return. all you want is for me to come back to you, to come home into your arms.
this is how you love me. when i stumble and fall, you pick me back up and dust me off. when i get distracted, you take my hand and lead me. when i’m hungry and thirsty, you feed me and provided for me. when i’m lonely, you sit with me and stay. i don’t deserve it, but you love me anyway.
you listened to my prayers, you knew my thoughts even before i know them. you understood me when i didn’t understand you or myself. you know me because you love me and you love me because you know me. how could i say no to you?
your love is not meant to be heavy. i do not know how to bear this love, because your love is not meant to be weighed. no scale can hold its number. no measurement can quantify it.
your love is not meant to be understood. i do not comprehend it, because there is no way to. it is too wide, too long, too deep, and too high. your people are a reflection of your love and i’ve only ever seen a glimpse of you. how much more do you love me then?
thank you, Lord. you’ve always loved me.