my friends don’t hate me
do you know that feeling that sometimes you wish you wrote that poem or that song? because it resonates so closely to you? that’s what i feel when i read this. it’s so scary how relatable and true and accurate it is. they’re the words in my head that i never put down on paper and too scared to admit it outloud. that’s my problem. as much as i want to be honest, i’m just not honest to myself. so here is my poem inspired after bella townsend’s:
my friends don’t actually hate me. yes, i am sleep-deprived and i’m not doing anything about it. i’m just forgetting everything that my therapist told me. i don’t even go to counseling anymore. i’m touch-starved but i don’t want to ask for a hug in the grey couch of our living room because i’m afraid of what they would think of me and if they would start to hate me. i disliked clingy ex-boyfriends, when all along i just dislike my own clinginess. my friends don’t hate me, it’s just me hating myself. i know my friends don’t hate me and it’s just in my head, and i want to believe it in my heart. my friend just gave me hot water because i am too cold. my friend really don’t actually hate me. i’m just drunk on the lies and stuck on the hurts, sitting in my past for too long. lying down on my bed, wondering if i have the guts to say something. i’m just contemplating what they would do if i die and what would i do if they leave. because i never think that i’ll be the first one to leave, but i’ll always be the first one to die. i am going insane talking to myself, convincing myself of i don’t know what. my friend just refilled my empty cup with hot water because i am still too cold. my friends don’t hate me, i’m just not used to love that is not my mother’s. i’m just not used to love that doesn’t leave me behind in the end. i’m not used to love leaving me feeling warm and wanted. i’m not used to love being good to me. i’m drowning in my old wound because i don’t know what else to do. my friends don’t hate me. i’m just breaking my own heart before anyone else can beat it to death. i’m just scared that my friends will hate me, but they haven’t yet. i’m just scared.